viernes, 2 de mayo de 2008



Do not be misled: "Bad conversations
corrupts good character".

(1 Corinthians 15:33)

Telling somebody that he is fired, ask for a rise, apologizing, explaining to your son why he doesn´t have to smoke, the break up of a relationship, o telling your couple something that is bothering you, are unpleasant conversations, that may make you feel frozen, or controlled by panic, just ready to run away.

But, expressed words don´t have to be a battleffield, or a chance to be mislead. Those conversations related to personal relationships should become a peace field, where the people involved have to understand each other, learn from each other, and exchange their feelings.

In order to face this kind of conversations, in your intimate life, and in your working life, you should improve your expression skills, and the attitude in your way of thinking. You have to be convinced of the words you are going to say, and if it is really necessary to say them. This would have a clear and strong effect on the receiver of your message. Of course, you have to check if you are being kind with what you are saying, and if it would bless the other person. If what you are going to say brings peace and unity, and not damage or conflict, so that everything doesn´t become worse.

Have a clear mind on what you are going to say. Do not try to deduce or guess about the other person mind. If you do so, it would affect your point of view about him/her, and will also affect the development of the conversation. It is important to have in mind, the goal you want to achieve with this dialogue, and no matter which goal is this, you have always to be understanding. Remember that, understanding the other person point of view, doesn´t mean that you have to agree with him/her, and lose yours. The fact that you are willing to understand the other person doesn´t diminish your purpose of making him/her understand your decision and state that is definitive. Don´t forget that if the receiver doesn´t feel understood and heard, you would never be able to lead the communication to a positive point. So, listen, in order for you to lead the dialogue. It´s an advise from God:

My dear brothers, take note of this:
everyone should be quick to listen,
slow to speak and slow to become angry.
(James 1: 19)

Always avoid the dialogue to become a simple exchange of conclusions. But be ready to change positions, to hear different points of view, and to enrich conversation with new information. You will always have the opportunity to learn from other people, and they need to learn from us too. Instead of questioning yourself with "How can he think that?" ask yourself "What is the information that he has, and I don´t?" Stop leading the conversation to blame someone, or to get affirmation from someone. That only would lead for both to feel frustrated, mistreated and being apart from each other. Don´t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. (2 Timothy 2:23).

It is always good to ask your interlocutor to tell you what he/she has understood of what you have said, so that you may verify if your making your point clearly and to avoid misunderstandings. Let the other person know that what you´ve heard from him has left an impression on you, that you care about his feelings, and that you are trying to understand him. Don´t miss that no matter who we are, how unworthy we could feel, how powerful we think we are, we all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

The way you say things, would determine the answer you will get from others and how the conversation would develop later. Using words, like "I feel..." "I think..." can avoid you to fell into the judgment trap. So that the other person will be less willing to be at a deffensive position, and would like to talk about his feelings. It is different to state: "It´s bad to spank kids", than saying "Listeng, I don´t know why I´m feeling this but, I think that spanking children is not a good way to correct them". Think, the first thing is not to persuade, make an impression, or being more clever than the other person. What it´s important is to say what you can see, and why you see it that way, how you feel about it, and who you are.

And never stop saying your important points of view, remember that the cost of silence can be greater, because it can damage your relationships. Sometimes, saying things could become difficult and unpleasant, but it gives relationships a chance to change and become stronger.

(Colossians 4:6)

by Henry Leguizamo

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